There are two types of people in the world... people that suck, and Chuck Norris.
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all enter a swim meet. The gun goes off, and the brunette quickly captures first, with the redhead coming in second. An hour later, the blonde emerges from the pool and complains to the judges that while she was doing the breast stroke, the others were using their arms.
Chuck Norris doesn't need a stapler, he puts the paper between his fingers and they just stick.
I’ve often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.
I do two hours of cardio every day. But I still need to find the closest parking spot to the gym.
When Chuck Norris breaks a sweat... he tries to do it as quickly as possible so as not to hurt it.
Why arent black people affended by thes jokes? Because they cant read.
What does a man make best for dinner? Reservations.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. His wife asks impatiently: "So, is it a boy or a girl" ? The logician replies: "yes".
A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a b*tch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued." The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you." He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?" The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"