Yo mama is so stupid, she was looking at the apple juice for few days cause it says "concentrate".
Why did the farmer feed money to his cow? He wanted rich milk.
A summer visitor asked the farmer how long cows should be milked. "Oh, I reckon about the same as short ones!" the farmer answered.
Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
Man goes to the doctors and sayes "Doctor, I cant stop my hands from shaking !" Doctor replies "Do you drink much ?" Man says "no, I spill most of it !"
Chuck Norris doesn't need a License to drive a car... The car needs a special license to be driven by Chuck Norris.
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t been feeling well. The doctor examins him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water." Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what’s my problem?" The Doctor says, "You’re not drinking enough water."
If Men Ruled the World... Laws: Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance. Car rental agencies would rent tanks. Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car as long as you returned it within 24 hours with a full tank of gas. Get Out of Jail Free cards would be considered legal documents.
Agony: a one-armed man hanging off a cliff with itchy balls.