John: "Hey can I borrow some money? I'm broke."
Michael: "Get money from your job."
John: "I got fired."
Michael: "Why?"
John: "My boss told me to leave all my problems behind the door, so I told him to stand outside."
Michael: "This is why we are friends."
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Girl: “Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do.”
Mother: “But that’s terrible! I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this … by the way, what was it that you didn’t do?”
Girl: “My homework.”
A blonde returned home from work and was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.
She called the police immediately to report the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out onto the porch.
The sight of the cop and his dog made her shudder.
She put her face in her hands as she sat down on the steps and began moaning.
"What's the moaning all about, ma'am?" asked the officer.
The blonde replied, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen, so I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a blind policeman!"
Two college roommates are about to go to bed.
The guy in the top bunk has his girlfriend sleeping over.
To try and keep quiet, they devise a code.
His girlfriend will say "tomato" if she wants him to go slower and "lettuce" for him to go faster.
As they begin to have sex, the girl starts to moan, "Lettuce, lettuce, tomato, tomato!"
The roommate on the bottom bunk wakes up the next morning and says, "Stop making sandwiches at night.
You got mayonnaise in my eye!"
One Day Stupid, Trouble, and Shut Up were driving along in their car when Trouble suddenly hurled himself out of the window.
Well, Stupid and Shut Up did not know what to do so they went to the police station.
When they got there the chief asked them their names.
“Shut Up”, replied Shut Up.
“Stupid”, replied Stupid.
The police chief thought these people were telling him to shut up, and were calling him stupid.
Which made him very mad.
“Excuse Me!” shouted the chief.
Thinking the chief was hard of hearing, They once again shouted there names.
“Shut Up!”
“Stupid!”
The police chief was very riled.
He then asked” Are you looking for trouble?”!!!
Stunned at the idea of the chief knowing that they were looking for their friend, they replied,”Why yes, how did you know?”
I stopped understanding math when the alphabet decided to get involved.
They call me the cat whisperer, cause I know exactly what that pussy needs.
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Why is making toast like an interracial couple having a baby?
It's annoying when it comes out black.
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The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy.
The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.
"Ever have an accident?"
"Nope, nary a one."
"None? You've never had any accidents."
"Nope. Ain't had one. Never."
"Well, you said in this form you were bitten by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?"
"Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose."
Chuck Norris was mauled by a bear once, then the bear woke up and apologized.
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