Yo' Mama is so poor, my jack-o-lantern gets better dental work then she does.
Q: Why should you keep a blonde on the job 7 days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them every Monday.
Me driving by a Taco Bell.
Sign: Now Hiring Managers.
Two weeks later:
Sign: Now Hiring Managers. Background Checks Required.
Vote:
I always arrive late to work, but I make up for it by leaving early.
Drug test?
What kind of drugs are we testing?
After browsing the restaurant menu, I had a question for the waitress.
"About the salmon entrée, is that a steak or a fillet?"
"Neither," she said. "It's a fish."
Vote:
We never knew he was a drunk... until he showed up to work sober.
The secret of enjoying a good bottle of wine:
1. Open the bottle to allow it to breathe.
2. If it doesn't look like it's breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
A teller at our credit union was assisting a member with a loan application.
"Do you have references?" she asked.
The member replied, "Do they have to be living?"
There were only two people in line ahead of me at the electronics store, yet the wait was dragging on forever.
Finally, the customer behind me muttered, "Mr. Hare must be on vacation."
Only then did I notice the name tag on the man at the register. It read: "Mr. Turtle, sales associate."
Vote: