Best jokes ever

Two condoms walk into a gay bar, look at each other and say "let's get shit-faced!"

Little Johnny was in his maths lesson one day when his teacher asked him a question to see if he was paying attention. "If I gave you 20," she began, "and you gave 5 to Mary, 5 to Sally and 5 to Susan, what would you have?" Johnny thought about this and then answered, "An orgy?"

How do you start a Jewish parade? Throw a penny down main street.

A little boy was so exited because his mom told him he is getting a baby brother. He repeated that to his techer every day, when he came to school, "Im getting a brother." One day his mom alllowed him to feel the baby's kicks in her belly. The next day he came to school and didnt say anything to his teacher, so the teacher asked him, what happend to his brother. He replyed, "I think mommy ate him."

Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar said when her lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license?  "Oh, it's not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. That's disgusting!"

Put a "Please Use Other Door" sign on the entrance to your office building if it only has one entrance.

Facebook: "My kids are perfect." Instagram: "My kids are beautiful." Twitter: "My kids are why I drink."

John: "Hey can I borrow some money? I'm broke." Michael: "Get money from your job." John: "I got fired." Michael: "Why?" John: "My boss told me to leave all my problems behind the door, so I told him to stand outside." Michael: "This is why we are friends."

Q: What's a terrorist's favorite day in November? A: Bomb fire night.

When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered, "Marc, with a C." Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side: Cark.