A summer visitor asked the farmer how long cows should be milked. "Oh, I reckon about the same as short ones!" the farmer answered.
If your born in September, its pretty safe to assume your parents started out the New Year with a Bang!
Contrary to popular belief there was a Chuck Norris sighting on the set of The Crow. No Lee is allowed to live when Chuck Norris is around.
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t been feeling well. The doctor examins him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water." Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what’s my problem?" The Doctor says, "You’re not drinking enough water."
This man was talking to a group of men at a bar and he said, "In my house I am the boss, I say when the laundry is done and when the cooking is made and when the dishes are washed." One of the guys at the table said, "How long have you been married?" The man says, "Oh I'm not married I'm single!"
A French guest, staying in a hotel called room service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge. "Toilette pepper!" came the reply
A man is walking home when he sees a dog buying meat for his owner. The man watches the dog when the butcher takes a little to much and growls and him until he gets the right amount. The man follows the dog and watches as the dog stands on two legs and helps an old lady across the street. Amazed the man follows the dog home and watches the dog ring the doorbell. When the owner comes to the door the owner takes the bags and tells the dog to stay in the front yard. Frustrated the man goes up to the owner and yells "This dog is amazing! He gets your groceries, makes sure you have the exact change, helps old ladies across the street and this is how you treat him!" The owner replies, "I know but,this is the 3rd time this week he left his keys".
A cop pulls a guy over for weaving across two lanes of traffic. He walks up to the drivers window and asks, "You drinkin'?" The driver said, "You buyin'?"
Q: Why was the condom flying through the air? A: It got pissed off.
Jeremy and Kris walk down the street and see a dog licking himself. Jeremy says, "Man, I wish I could do that!" Kris replies, "I think you'd have to pet him first."