Latecomer: Am I too late for the bonfire?
Host: No jump up there on the sticks, there is room next to that Guy.
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The most expensive part of having kids is all the wine you have to drink.
If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.
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While I was working as a store Santa, a boy asked me for an electric train set.
"If you get your train," I told him, "your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that all right?"
The boy became very quiet.
So, moving the conversation along, I asked, "What else would you like Santa to bring you?"
He promptly replied, "Another train."
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Doctor: "And how is it going with your old ailment, Mr Smith?"
Patient: "Very well, I've been divorced for half a year now."
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Bertie comes sadly to his mommy and says, "Mom, the kids have been mean to me. They keep teasing me that my feet are too big. Please tell me honestly. Are my feet to big?"
"Of course not, Bertie. Now go put your shoes in the garage, the dinner is ready."
Q: What deodorant do SEO consultants wear?
A: Lynx
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Why does a chicken lay eggs?
Because if she dropped them, they’d break.
Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy?
He did okay until his business fell off.
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Q: If a blonde and a brunette were falling off a building, who would hit the ground first?
A: The brunette because the blonde would stop for directions.