Chuck Norris was mauled by a bear once, then the bear woke up and apologized.
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How does a leopard change its spots?
When it gets tired of one spot it just moves to another.
Yo mom a so fat she wore a Malcolm x shirt and a helicopter landed on her.
Shop assistant: How about this one?
Psychic: That shirt is too small.
Shop assistant: You didn't even try it on?
Psychic: I'm a medium.
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Q: Why aren't there more famous skeletons?
A: They're a bunch of no bodies!
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A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles.
His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied.
"Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment.
He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled.
With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
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The Unfortunate Penis:
- You've got a hole in your head.
- You always hang around with two nuts.
- Your closest neighbor is an a**hole.
- Your best friend is a pussy.
- Every time you get excited, you throw up.
Q: What has 12 arms, 12 legs, and 12 eyes?
A: 12 pirates.
Husband: "When I die, I'd like to die making love."
Wife: "At least we know it'll be quick!"