Paddy asks Murphy, 'Why do scuba divers fall off their boats backwards?"
Murphy replies, "If they fell forwards they'd still be on the f*cking boat!"
How do you know when an Asian has been in your house?
Your computer is updated, your math homework is finished, there's a Vietnamese whore in your bathtub with a violin up her ass (thanks to a horny Chen Li), a dog in your microwave, and the bastard is still trying to pull out of your driveway!
What is Jehovah's wiseness favorite band?
The Doors.
Q: What would martin luther king be if he was white?
A: Alive
A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'brains for sale.'
He goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says 'Doctor brains $8.00 a pound' and another sign that says 'Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, truck driver $40.00 a pound and lawyers brains $90.00 a pound.'
So he asks the man behind the cash register, how come his brains are only worth 8.00 and a lawyer's worth 90.00?
The man replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound of brains?
Q: What did the Lawyer say to the lesbian?
A: One slip of the tongue and you will be in s**t!
What do you call 3 black guys sky diving?
Air pollution.
A lady tells her husband, “My gynecologist said I can’t have sex for two weeks.”
He replies, “What did your dentist say?”
It is a normal drill day at the Marine base in Virginia.
The whole regiment is lined up in formation, and the colonel is walking around inspecting people.
There are rows of marines stacked behind one another waiting to be inspected.
The colonel gets to the first squad leader, stands in front of him and punches him in the stomach the hardest he can.
After about a minute, the squad leader catches his breath.
The colonel bellows, "DID THAT HURT SOLDIER?"
Then the soldier says "NO, SIR."
The colonel shouts, "WHY NOT?"
Then the soldier says, "BECAUSE I AM A MARINE!"
The colonel gets up to the second squad leader, stands in front of him, and kicks him in the kneecap.
After about a minute when the soldier is finally standing, the colonel hollers,
"DID THAT HURT?"
The soldier responds, "NO, SIR."
And the colonel says "WHY NOT?"
Then the soldier shouts, "BECAUSE I AM A MARINE!"
The colonel gets up to the third squad leader.
He notices that there is an erection between his legs.
The colonel takes a stick from the floor, and whacks the erection with it.
The man barely makes a sound.
The colonel asks him "DID THAT HURT?"
And the soldier says "NO, SIR."
Then the colonel shouts, "WHY NOT?"
Then the soldier points at the man standing behind him and says, "BECASUE IT WAS HIS."
I had a visitor one night… he explored my body… licked, sucked, swallowed & had his fill… when satisfied he left… I was hurt… Damn mosquito!!!