Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? A: He didn't have the guts!
Husband says: "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me". Wife replied: "What makes you think I'd want another man like you!"
Women are looking for Mr. Right. Men are looking for Ms. Right Now.
Doctor (to a patient): "You must take four tea-spoonfuls of this medicine before every meal." Patient: "Doctor, we’ve only 3 spoons at home."
Agony: a one-armed man hanging off a cliff with itchy balls.
This little snail bought a little car and took it to the body shop to have it painted. The service man asked him exactly what he wanted done, and the snail said he wanted little's s painted all around and all over his car. The service man asked him why, and the snail answered "When people see me in my car I want them to say, look at that S-Car-Go!"
Not even Houdini can escape from Chuck Norris.
Three women were in a bar talking about their husbands and how they made love. The first woman said, “My husband is a psychologist, and before we make love, he brings me flowers and candy. I like that.” The second woman proclaimed, “My husband is a mechanic, he makes love a little rough, but really tunes my engine; I like that!” The third woman replied, “Well my husband works for Microsoft and all he does is sit on the edge of the bed and tell me how good it’s going to be, when I finally get it…”
Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. Chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.
When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them