Judge: "You are sentenced to 2 years of solitary confinement" Me: "Thank you."
A man is participating in a golf tournament. He was left to golf with just his caddy. On his tee-off, the golfer's ball lands in a patch of buttercups. The caddy tells the golfer he can take the ball onto the course, and he won't take a one stroke penalty. However, the golfer refuses and takes the ball out of the buttercups and takes the stroke penalty. Suddenly, Mother Nature appears. "What you just did was amazing. I am so proud that you enjoy nature and all of its beauty. For your reward, I will give you a lifetime supply of butter." "Thanks," says the man. "But where were you last week when my ball landed in the pussywillows?"
Yo' Mama is like my cell phone plan: 10 cents a minute anytime, anywhere, no restrictions.
I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him, "Wow, that's a big one!"
Yo Mama so poor I saw her with one shoe in the garbage can and I said, "Did you lost a shoe." And she said, "Nope I just found one."
The Hulk is Green because he envys Chuck Norris.
Police officer: Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle. Dog owner: Are you crazy? My dog can’t even ride a bicycle.
On a beach a man shouts at another man: Tell your son not to imitate me. A man to his son: Son, stop playing the fool.
Q: What did the nut say to the bolt? A: Screw me.
A blonde and a brunette were opening their paychecks when the blonde asked the brunette what she was going to buy. The brunette replied, "I think I'll buy a new set of plates because mine are chipped. What are you going to buy?" The blonde said, "I think I'm gonna buy a new butt, because my old one has an enormous crack in it."