Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Find a sleeping person, fill their hand with shaving cream and then tickle their nose.
Q: What would men do if they had breasts? A: They'd stay at home and play with them all day.
Q: What has a key but no lock and has space but no room? A: A computer?
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
How did the farmer find his lost cow? He tractor down.
You mama is so fat, when she lies on the beach Greenpeace try to push her back in the water.
Chuck Norris can make you fold a Royal Flush.
Two new deer hunters decided to separate to increases their chances. "What if we get lost?" says one of them. "Fire three shots up in the air, every hour on the hour," says the other. "I saw it on TV." Sure enough, one of the hunters gets lost, so he fires three shots up into the air every hour on the hour. The next day the other hunter finds his friend with the help of the Forest Ranger. "Did you do what I said?" asked the hunter. "Yes, I fired three shots up into the air every hour on the hour, until I ran out of arrows."
Chuck Norris doesnt walk, the earth moves under his feet.