Man comes home to his wife and says to her: "With the new pair of glasses, you look like sh.t."
"But I don't have a new pair of glasses..." she replies.
"But, I do."
...and then the devil said, "Let's put the alphabet into mathematics."
Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68. Because at 69 you have to turn around!
Q: What is an atheist's favorite Christmas movie?
A: "Coincidence on 34th Street"
A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, “Wife, we’re going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog.”
The wife grimaces, “But I don’t like fishing!”
“Look! We’re going fishing and that’s final.”
“Do I have to go fishing with you… I really don’t want to go!”
“Right I’ll give you three choices… 1 You come fishing with me and the dog… 2 You give me a BLOW JOB…. 3 or you take it up the ass!”
The wife grimaces again, “But I don’t want to do any of those things!”
“Wife I’ve given you three options.. You’ll HAVE to do one of them! I’m going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!”
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, “Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?”
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, “O.K. I’ll give you a blow job!”
“Great!” He says and drops his pants.
The wife is on her knees doing the business.
Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, “Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting… It tastes all shitty!”
“Yes!” says her husband “The dog didn’t want to go fishing either.”
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
A: Clothes.
Your mama so fat that when she had a lockdown in a gym she wasn't able to go through the window or the door.
Vote:
Chuck Norris looks at IEDs and the trigger man blows up.
Vote:
How do you know a man is really a bad dancer?
When he can still step on Dolly Parton's toes.
What do you find in a clean nose?
Fingerprints!