Girl: "I can't be your valentine for medical reasons." Boy: "Really?" Girl: "Yeah, you make me sick!"
How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts? Guilt gifts are nicer.
How do you know you have a great CPA? He has a tax loophole named after him.
The secret of enjoying a good bottle of wine: 1. Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2. If it doesn't look like it's breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
Camper: "Look at that bunch of cows." Farmer: "Not bunch, herd." Camper: "Heard what?" Farmer: "Of cows." Camper: "Sure I've heard of cows." Farmer: "No, I mean a cowherd." Camper: "So what? I have no secrets from cows."
Q: What is height of forgetfulness? A: Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.
Drug test? What kind of drugs are we testing?
The light at the end of the tunnel is actually Chuck Norris holding a flashlight.
Every morning Chuck Norris eats a bowl of nails for Breakfast... without milk.
Two neighbors are talking to each other. First neighbor: Do you know that my dog is so smart, he waits for the newspaper to drop at the doorstep and then delivers it to me? Second neighbor: Of course, I know that very well. First neighbor: Really, well then, how? Second neighbor: My dog came and told me.