Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. We should split." Me: "Good idea. We can cover more ground that way."
Yo' Mama is so fat, her stair master has a dinner tray attached.
Did you hear about the blonde who was a really good cook? She could get pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece!
Q: What is the definition of an extroverted tax accountant? A: Someone who stares at YOUR shoes when talking to you.
A bill collector came to my house the other day, so I gave him a huge stack of old bills.
Yo mama's so fat, when she plays football she play offense and defense.
How do you know when an Asian breaks into your home? Your house is clean, your computer is fixed, and their still pulling out of your driveway.
May: "Why did you slap me?!" Michael: "I didn't slap your face! I High fived it!" May: "I'm going to tell mom on you when we go to the sea side!" Micheal: "Uh, Shore you will." May: "Don't be such a beach."
The universe expands because the stars believe this way will be safer from Chuck Norris.
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.