Your momma is so fat that her measurements are 26-34-28, and her other arm is just as big!
Find a sleeping person, fill their hand with shaving cream and then tickle their nose.
Vote:
Wedding anniversaries are a time when men pause and reflect on what it was they did before they were married: anything they wanted to.
Vote:
"Does she have a boyfriend?"
"Yes, a cute, strong and clever one."
"What's the name?"
"John, Michael and Bill."
Vote:
You know the movie, Alien VS Predator?
Well it used to be called Alien VS Predator VS Chuck Norris, but no body would pay to see a fight 7 seconds long.
Vote:
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
I’ve often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.
A blonde, brunette and a red-head were trapped on a island 20 miles from shore.
The red-head started swimming and got tired after 2 miles and turned around and swam back.
Then the brunette started to swim and after 7 miles of swimming she turned back.
The blonde jumped in and swam 17 miles got tired and turned back.
What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have?
One that never misses a period.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk.
Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.