I had to get an Xbox controller tattooed on my vagina.
So my boyfriend would play with me for a change.
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How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall red?
Depends how hard you throw them.
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Getting married is like buying a dishwasher.
You'll never have to do it by hand again.
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My previous girlfriend had this weird sleeping disorder - in the middle of every night she would wake up and suck my dick.
No wonder her dad did not want her to move out.
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Wife: "I have to tell you something. I'm pregnant."
Husband: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad."
Wife: "No, you are not."
All wars stopped when Chuck Norris said, "Can I apply for the army?"
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When a mime sees Chuck Norris, he makes a glass wall and pretends he's dead.
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What’s the difference between ‘Oooh!’ and ‘Aaah!’?
About three inches.
Q: What is the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?
A: The taste
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How can you know a lawyer is lying?
When he moves his lips.