I had to get an Xbox controller tattooed on my vagina. So my boyfriend would play with me for a change.
How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall red? Depends how hard you throw them.
Getting married is like buying a dishwasher. You'll never have to do it by hand again.
My previous girlfriend had this weird sleeping disorder - in the middle of every night she would wake up and suck my dick. No wonder her dad did not want her to move out.
Wife: "I have to tell you something. I'm pregnant." Husband: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad." Wife: "No, you are not."
All wars stopped when Chuck Norris said, "Can I apply for the army?"
When a mime sees Chuck Norris, he makes a glass wall and pretends he's dead.
What’s the difference between ‘Oooh!’ and ‘Aaah!’? About three inches.
Q: What is the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer? A: The taste
How can you know a lawyer is lying? When he moves his lips.