Best jokes ever

Across all of the infinite number of parallel universes the version of Chuck Norris is the same. Nature knows perfection when she sees it.

Me driving by a Taco Bell. Sign: Now Hiring Managers. Two weeks later: Sign: Now Hiring Managers. Background Checks Required.

Thundergun shot is a Chuck Norris sneeze.

Q: How many University Graduates does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, but it may take up to seven years!

Four Laws of Accounting: 1. Trial balances don't. 2. Bank reconciliations never do. 3. Working capital does not. 4. Return on investments never will.

When Light wrote Chuck Norris' name in the Death Note, the book died.

Chuck Norris is so powerful he can jumpstart a car by attaching the cables to his chest hair.

Scientists invented a machine to catch thieves. In 30 minutes in Canada the machine caught 10 thieves, in 15 minutes in the U.S the machine caught 5 thieves, in 3 minutes in Trinidad thieves stole the machine.

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get underway. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses. At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

Bertie comes sadly to his mommy and says, "Mom, the kids have been mean to me. They keep teasing me that my feet are too big. Please tell me honestly. Are my feet to big?" "Of course not, Bertie. Now go put your shoes in the garage, the dinner is ready."