I like your style
I like your class
but most of all i like your ass.
A Liverpool docker went to South Africa for a job.
The boss tells him, "Its people like you we want here. Here's a test. There's a revolver, go out and shoot 6 niggers and a rabbit."
The docker asks, "Why do I have to shoot the rabbit?"
He got the job.
Why couldn't Usain Bolt listen to his music?
"Because he broke the record."
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.
"Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'"
Vote:
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."
There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women.
Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.
Steve Martin
Vote:
I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my first child.
A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's Day walk along a country lane.
They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, the lad's lustful desire rises to a peak.
He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind, but I really do need to take a piss."
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, he suggests she go behind a nearby hedge.
She nods in agreement and disappears behind the shrubbery.
As he waits, he can hear the sound of her tight panties rolling down her long legs and imagines what is being exposed.
Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches through a gap in the foliage, and his hand touches her leg.
He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly, and with great astonishment, he finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage that's hanging between her legs.
He shouts in horror, "My God, Claudette, I had no idea you were actually a man!"
"No, you don't understand!" she replies.
"I changed my mind, I'm taking a crap instead."
Vote:
A man walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water.
The bartender pulls out a shotgun and fires a shot, barely missing the man's head.
The man gets up, says thank you, and leaves a tip.
Why the tip and thank you, "because the man had the hiccups."
Q: What do you call a lesbian with a big tongue?
A: Well hung.