We never knew he was a drunk... until he showed up to work sober.
A man and his son were walking through a field, and saw two dogs mating. The little boy asked his Dad what was happening. The father replied, “Well, son, they’re making a puppy.” The following evening, the little boy was thirsty, so he went from his bed to get a glass of water. Not being able to reach the glasses, he walked unannounced into his parents bedroom, who were making love in their usual missionary position. Confused, the boy asked what were they doing. The dad responded very slowly and caringly to his impressionanle little boy, “Well, son, we are making you a little brother.” The little boy replied ,”Please turn Mom over, Dad, I’d rather have a puppy!”
How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts? Guilt gifts are nicer.
Q: What is height of forgetfulness? A: Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.
The light at the end of the tunnel is actually Chuck Norris holding a flashlight.
I always arrive late to work, but I make up for it by leaving early.
A farmer brought his daughter a little pot-belly pet pig. She called it "Stinky" when she played with it out in the yard, but she called it "Ballpoint" when it was in the sty. "Tell me," asked her father, "Why do you have two names for your pig?" "That’s easy," she replied, "Ballpoint is just his pen name."
Two neighbors are talking to each other. First neighbor: Do you know that my dog is so smart, he waits for the newspaper to drop at the doorstep and then delivers it to me? Second neighbor: Of course, I know that very well. First neighbor: Really, well then, how? Second neighbor: My dog came and told me.
There is nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.
Q: What was the world's first palindrome? A: Madam, I'm Adam.