What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.
One woman to another at a singles bar: “I’m not as optimistic about relationships as I used to be. These days, when I meet a man, I ask myself, 'Is this the guy I want my children to spend every other weekend with?'”
Overheard in a restaurant: She: "This wine is described as full bodied and imposing with a nutty base, a sharp bite, and a bitter aftertaste." He: "Are you describing the wine or your mother?"
There are no comets. Only people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked so hard that they are now in permanent orbit in our solar system.
When Chuck Norris calls 911 it's to ask if everything is ok.
According to Apple what is the leading cause of iphone 6 overheating? Downloading images of Candice Swanepoel.
Yo' Mama is like a blimp: a huge spectacle that's full of gas.
A man consulted his priest about getting a divorce. The priest was surprised. "Why on earth would you want to divorce such a lovely wife? She is soft and gentle and, if I may say so, she is also quite beautiful and nicely proportioned. I really can’t see what you have to complain about." The man took off his shoe. "See this shoe," he said, showing it to the priest, "The leather is soft and gentle. It is a beautiful piece of work and nicely proportioned." "Ah"” said the priest, "a parable." "In a way, Father," replied the man. "I’m the only one who knows it pinches."
Did you hear about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her.
A cop was interrogating a very intoxicated Irishman, who was also severly bleeding. The officer asked, "Can you describe the person who did this to you?" The Irishman replied, "That's what I was doing when he hit me."