Best jokes ever

A guy rings his boss and says "I can't come to work today" The boss asks why and the guy says "it's my eyes." "What's wrong with your eyes?" asks the boss. "I just can't see myself coming to work, so I'm going fishing instead..."
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Barbwire wants a tatoo of Chuck Norris.
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Why does a chicken lay eggs? Because if she dropped them, they’d break.
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Which big cat should you never play cards with? A cheetah.
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Q: Why aren't there more famous skeletons? A: They're a bunch of no bodies!
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More jokes about: black humor, celebrity, Halloween
Karma believes in Chuck Norris.
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Two snakes are talking. One of them turns to the other and asks, "Are we venomous?" The other replays, "Yes,why?..." "I just bit ma lip."
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The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs. "Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go. "I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said the released man. "And why not?" "Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!"
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More jokes about: alcohol, bartender, lawyer
Once Odhiambo a dark kenyan man was travelling to london by air sitting next to a white lady with his pet monkey. Oodhiambo stood up and went to the washrooms and when he came back he found his bunch of bananas missing. He asked the white lady "Sorry your brother here ate them all" she said while patting the monkey. After a while the lady got up and went to the washroom to come back and find his pet monkey dead She inquired on the matter, Odhiambo camly replied "I killed it." "Why?" asked the lady. He replied "This is family matter it doesnt concern you."
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More jokes about: animal, black people, family, racist, travel
Meteors didn't kill the dinosaurs, Chuck Norris just needed a new pair of boots.
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More jokes about: Chuck Norris, dinosaur