A Ham sandwich walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food."
Chuck Norris was asked if he would be running for President, after a chuckle, he stated, nothing makes him run.
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.
Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar and doesn't.
Bob walks into a public bathroom and notices a guy with no arms standing next to a urinal. As Bob takes care of his business, he wonders how the poor soul is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and heads for the door, but figures he should ask the man if he needs help. "Oh yes please!?" the man cries. "You have a kind heart, sir," says the man with no arms. But as Bob goes ahead, unzips the man, and pulls his willy out, he encounters all kinds of mold, red bumps, moles, scabs, scars, and other unpleasant-looking things. The armless man asks Bob to kindly point it... then shake it, put it back and zip it. So Bob, gathers his courage, shuts his eyes and does so. "Thank you very much, sir!" says the armless man. "No problem," says Bob "but what the hell is wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls pulls his arms out of his shirt and says "I don't know, but I ain't touching it!"
Yo mama so stupid that when you told her the mouse on her computer was broken she took it to the vet.
"Did you hear about the undertaker who buried someone in the wrong place?" "He was sacked for making a grave mistake."
What is the longest word in the English language? Smiles: there is a mile between the first and last letters!
Q: Why accountants don't read novels? A: Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.
The wife is back on the warpath again. I suggested that we make a little sex tape ... she was up for it ... until I suggested holding auditions. I just don’t understand why she is so mad!