An IRS agent is lying on his psychiatrist's couch bemoaning the fact that everyone in the world hates him.
"Nonsense", says his doctor. "Everyone in the world doesn't hate you. Everyone in the United States, perhaps, but certainly not everyone in the world."
Vote:
Q: How do you know when you are stoned?
A: When you are too phoned to stone home.
Crest fights cavities, Chuck Norris kills them.
Vote:
Chuck Norris will never die.
The Grim Reaper is too scared to come and claim him.
Vote:
What dog can jump higher than a building?
Anydog, buildings can't jump!
One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept.
A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have to learn this pointless information"
"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again.
"So how does physics save lives?" he persisted.
"It keeps the ignoramuses like you out of medical school," replied the professor.
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." the man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
What do you call a gay dinosaur?…… Mega-sore-ass.
Life is like a box of chocolates:
A lot of people can't stand the dark ones.
If you are ill, so lie down and you'll walk it sooner loose.