Always remember: There is not problem that 6 glasses of wine can't solve.
A man working with an electric saw accidentally saws off all 10 fingers. He rushes to the emergency room. The doctor says, "Give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do." "But I don't have the fingers!" "Why didn't you bring the fingers?!" asks the incredulous doctor. "Doc, I couldn't pick them up."
It's so quiet in the Hollywood Starbucks this morning, you can hear a name drop.
This man was talking to a group of men at a bar and he said, "In my house I am the boss, I say when the laundry is done and when the cooking is made and when the dishes are washed." One of the guys at the table said, "How long have you been married?" The man says, "Oh I'm not married I'm single!"
When somebody is totally angry, why not say: "Yes, young Skywalker. Come over to the dark side of the Force."
Patient: "I am sorry to call you to my house so far away from your chamber at this time of night." Doctor: "Don’t worry. I have another patient near here. So I can Kill two birds with one stone."
This little snail bought a little car and took it to the body shop to have it painted. The service man asked him exactly what he wanted done, and the snail said he wanted little's s painted all around and all over his car. The service man asked him why, and the snail answered "When people see me in my car I want them to say, look at that S-Car-Go!"
When I offer you food it's just because my mother raised me right. As a firend, read the truth in my eyes and politely decline.
Q: Why did the bodybuilder buy tape from the hardware store? A: Somebody told him he was ripped!
Q: Why do men like blonde jokes? A: Because they can understand them.