When somebody is totally angry, why not say: "Yes, young Skywalker. Come over to the dark side of the Force."
Your mama is so short, she was able to get an job application with the Oompa Loompas!
Always remember: There is not problem that 6 glasses of wine can't solve.
When Chuck Norris asks you to stop mid-sentence, you.
St. Peter was sat next to the god in heaven when the all of a sudden the pearly gates started to rattle. God said to Peter,"go and see who is rattling the gates." Peter ran down the stairway to heaven and opened the pearly gates and there stood a dirty unwashed man in a vest. Peter looked the man up and down and said "yes' can I help you?" The man replied in a broad Irish accent, "Top of the mornin to ya sur, would the good lord have any scrap he be not wanting?" St. Peter stood silent for a moment then said: "wait here a moment." Peter shut the gate and ran back up the stairway to heaven and said to God, "It's Pykies my lord, wanting scrap." God says to St. Peter "Shit! Lock everything up and hide the keys, then go back down and tell them to bugger off!" Peter runs down the stairway to heaven opens the gate and tells "the pykie to bugger off, slams the pearly gates shut and locks it. Peter returns to the lord." God says to Peter, "we'll give it half hour then go and see if they have gone." A half hour passed. "Peter! Go and see if they have gone!" Peter runs down the stairway to heaven then returns to God panting and says to God "They have gone, my Lord!" "Good" says God, "and so have the pearly gates, my lord."
This man was talking to a group of men at a bar and he said, "In my house I am the boss, I say when the laundry is done and when the cooking is made and when the dishes are washed." One of the guys at the table said, "How long have you been married?" The man says, "Oh I'm not married I'm single!"
Patient: "I am sorry to call you to my house so far away from your chamber at this time of night." Doctor: "Don’t worry. I have another patient near here. So I can Kill two birds with one stone."
Q: Why did the bodybuilder buy tape from the hardware store? A: Somebody told him he was ripped!
This little snail bought a little car and took it to the body shop to have it painted. The service man asked him exactly what he wanted done, and the snail said he wanted little's s painted all around and all over his car. The service man asked him why, and the snail answered "When people see me in my car I want them to say, look at that S-Car-Go!"
Q: Why do men like blonde jokes? A: Because they can understand them.