The horrible moment when there's a really cute girls on the bus,
but you're too shy to start masturbating in front of everyone...
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Q: How do you keep black youth off the streets?
A: Put a KFC on the sidewalk
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What is the same with spreading butter on a toast and getting a woman to spread her legs?
It is possible with a credit card, but much easier with a knife.
A dick has a sad life.
His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.
A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, widower, with 11 grandchildren. Last night I met two beautiful flight attendants. They took me home and I made love to both of them. Twice.”
The priest says, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”
“Never Father, I’m Jewish.”
“So then, why are you telling me?”
“I’m telling everybody!”
My wife wanted me to whisper dirty things to her.
"...........dishes."
Teacher and her 3 boy students:
Teacher: “Why did you laugh?”
Boy 1: “I saw a strap of your bra.”
Teacher: “You are punished to stay out of school for one week.”
Boy 2 laughed…
Teacher: “Why did you laugh?”
Boy 2: “I saw your bra straps.”
Teacher: “You are punished to stay out of school for one month.”
Teacher bent down to pickup a chalk. Boy 3 started walking out of the class…
Teacher: “Why are you leaving?”
Boy 3: “I think my school days are over.”
Alfie was listening to his sister practice her singing.
"Sis," he said, "I wish you'd sing Christmas carols."
"Thats nice of you, Alfie," she replied, "but why?"
Alfie replied, "Because then I'd only have to hear your voice once a year!"
I like my women how I like my laptop.
Sat on my lap, turned on & completely virus free.
Andy and Annie are watching one of those television preachers on TV one night.
The preacher faces the camera, and announces, “My friends, I’d like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV & the other hand on the part of your body which ails you and I will heal you.”
Annie has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach.
Meanwhile, Andy approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his groin.
With a frown Annie says, “Andy, he’s talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead.”
Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated.
When they ran into each other later the first old lady said to the second, "Oh my! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"
The second old lady replied, "Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing! My gosh the penis on it was so large!"
Where upon the first old lady accidentally blurted out, "...Yeah, and cold, too!"