Beetlejuice is afraid to say Chuck Norris 3 times.
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Three fans were bemoaning the sorry state of their football team.
"I blame the general manager," said the first fan. "If he signed better players, we'd be a great team."
"I blame the players," said the
second fan. "If they made more of
an effort, we'd score some points."
"I blame my parents," said the third. "If I'd been born in Seattle,
I'd be supporting a decent team."
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Q: Why did Hitler kill himself?
A: He saw his gas bill.
Sundials tell the time according to the position of Chuck Norris.
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Q: Why should you be more afraid of a white guy in jail than a black guy?
A: You know the white guy actually committed the crime.
My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with Tennis!"
I replied, "That's 15 love!"
Once upon a time, there was a very happy, long-married couple who ran a small farm.
They loved each other and all, there was just one problem – the guy farted incredibly, and enjoyed ripping seriously loud ones in bed especially.
The wife complained for years, pleaded – in vain.
"One day, you'll spill your guts out, you mark my words!" was the lady's frequent closing warning.
Then one Thanksgiving morning, gutting the turkey, she had a stroke of genius.
She took all the turkey's guts and went to their bedroom and quietly slipped them under the still sleeping man's covers.
"That'll teach him!" she thought with satisfaction and went back to her work.
At 10 the man was still nowhere to be seen – quite shocking for a farmer – and she was starting to worry when finally her husband came down – walking a little strange, wearing an even stranger expression.
"You were right about the farting, Ida," he panted, "I'm ashamed to admit that I did fart my guts out. But with the help of our Lord and these two fingers, all is right again!"
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In Africa, in a hospital, a black man entered armed – he had a knife on him – stick in his back!
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What’s a man’s definition of safe sex?
Meeting his mistress at least 30 miles from his house.