Two new deer hunters decided to separate to increases their chances.
"What if we get lost?" says one of them.
"Fire three shots up in the air, every hour on the hour," says the other.
"I saw it on TV."
Sure enough, one of the hunters gets lost, so he fires three shots up into the air every hour on the hour.
The next day the other hunter finds his friend with the help of the Forest Ranger.
"Did you do what I said?" asked the hunter.
"Yes, I fired three shots up into the air every hour on the hour, until I ran out of arrows."
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Q: Who was the first accountant?
A: Adam. He got interested in figures, turned the first leaf, made the first entry lost interest after withdrawal, buggered up the monthly accounts and raised the first liability.
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Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Kanga.
Kanga who?
Actually, it's kangaroo!
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What's funnier than cancer?
Most things, really.
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Bully: Your dick is probably like a tic tac.
Geek: No wonder your mom's mouth is so fresh.
Class: Oooooohhhh!
A woman comes up to me and says, "Hey sexy you lost 185 lbs and now you have money."
"You wanna be my sugar daddy?"
"Nope I'm diabetic!"
What is the ideal cockpit crew?
A pilot and a dog.
The pilot is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to bite the pilot in case he tries to touch anything.
Newton's 3rd Law never applies to Chuck Norris.
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The Titanic didn't sink by an ice burg, Chuck Norris was doing the back stroke across the Atlantic.
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blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next."