There were these two bums and they were hungry when they came across road kill.
The first bum went down to eat it when he looked up at his friend and said, "Oh I'm sorry, would you like some?"
He replied, "No I think I'll wait."
So they continue down the road and the first bum said, "Look - some more road kill, I'm still hungry. How about you?"
His friend replied, "No, not yet, I think I'll wait."
The first bum ate the road kill.
Shortly after, his eyes rolled back and he puked the whole thing back up on the street.
Seconds later, his friend dove in and ate every last slickery drop of the puke.
The first bum said, "I thought you weren't hungry?"
His friend replied, "I was always hungry, I just wanted a warm meal."
Vote:
I read that India launched a rocket to Mars the other day.
That seems like a strange place to put a call center.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Kanga.
Kanga who?
Actually, it's kangaroo!
Vote:
A woman comes up to me and says, "Hey sexy you lost 185 lbs and now you have money."
"You wanna be my sugar daddy?"
"Nope I'm diabetic!"
Newton's 3rd Law never applies to Chuck Norris.
Vote:
The Titanic didn't sink by an ice burg, Chuck Norris was doing the back stroke across the Atlantic.
Vote:
What is the ideal cockpit crew?
A pilot and a dog.
The pilot is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to bite the pilot in case he tries to touch anything.
Bully: Your dick is probably like a tic tac.
Geek: No wonder your mom's mouth is so fresh.
Class: Oooooohhhh!
What's funnier than cancer?
Most things, really.
Vote:
blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next."