Marriage is a workshop, where man works and woman shops.
What has a hundred balls and f*cks old women? Bingo!
What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted.
Say, "Do I smell popcorn?" right after you fart. So everybody takes a big whiff.
Father: Which one do you love more , me or Mommy? Son: I love you both. Father: Very Well , lets say I went to Japan and Mommy went to France which country will you go to? Son: Japan. Father: See, that you love Mommy more than me? Son: No, I just want to visit Japan. Father: Very well , lets say I went to Japan and Mommy went to France which country will you go to? Son: France. Father: See? Son: No its just because I have already visited Japan.
My wife wanted me to whisper dirty things to her. "...........dishes."
Once upon a time, there was a very happy, long-married couple who ran a small farm. They loved each other and all, there was just one problem – the guy farted incredibly, and enjoyed ripping seriously loud ones in bed especially. The wife complained for years, pleaded – in vain. "One day, you'll spill your guts out, you mark my words!" was the lady's frequent closing warning. Then one Thanksgiving morning, gutting the turkey, she had a stroke of genius. She took all the turkey's guts and went to their bedroom and quietly slipped them under the still sleeping man's covers. "That'll teach him!" she thought with satisfaction and went back to her work. At 10 the man was still nowhere to be seen – quite shocking for a farmer – and she was starting to worry when finally her husband came down – walking a little strange, wearing an even stranger expression. "You were right about the farting, Ida," he panted, "I'm ashamed to admit that I did fart my guts out. But with the help of our Lord and these two fingers, all is right again!"
Officer: "your eyes look red man have you been smoking weed." Suspect: "officer your eyes look glazed like you has had doughnuts."
Q: Why do Republicans avoid living on the West Coast? A: They're scared to live that close to the edge of the Earth.
Yo mama's so fat, her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a milk dud.