Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
She wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
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Q: What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A: A baseball bat.
Caitlin Jenner and her chauffer were parked on a highway.
When a policeman pulled up and asked "What's going on?"
The driver said "I blew my tranny."
The cop didn't know if he should arrest them for indecent exposure or call AAA.
I've asked my girlfriend to polish my medieval battle uniform while I go to the pub.
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armour.
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Q: Know why skeletons are so calm?
A: Because nothing gets under their skin.
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A man walks into a bar. As he sits down, he looks up and notices three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender "what's with the meat?"
The bartender says, "If you can jump up and slap all three pieces at once, you get free drinks for an hour. If you miss even one, you have to pay for everyone else's drinks for the rest of the night. Wanna give it a go?"
The man takes another look at the meat, then says, "I think I'll pass. The steaks are too high."
I read that India launched a rocket to Mars the other day.
That seems like a strange place to put a call center.
I would actually use Siri if the voice sounded like Morgan Freeman.
Did you hear about the cannibal who commited suicide?
He got himself into a real stew.
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Q: What do you call a financial controller who always works through lunch, takes two days holiday every two years, is in the office every weekend, and leaves every night after 10 p.m.?
A: Lazy.