Chuck Norris doesn't submit his own facts because Chuck Norris doesn't submit, period.
To be roundhouse-kicked by Chuck Norris means getting his autograph.
Chuck Norris destroyed the Lord of Rings. Twice.
What do you call a neurotic octopus? A crazy, mixed-up squid.
One elf said to another elf, "We had Grandma for Christmas dinner". And the other elf said, "Really? We had turkey!"
What did the bunny say when he only had thistles to eat? Thistle have to do.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change it and one to keep interrupting by standing up and shouting "Objection!"
Chuck norris recently received a restraining order barring him from getting closer then half a mile from Satan.
Chuck Norris checks under his bed for Fedor Emelianenko because he takes Fedor to the vet regularly.
The saying "Kill two birds with one stone" actually came from when chuck Norris downed two Peregrin Falcons with one roundhouse kick.