Got home from the pub at 3'o clock this morning.
The wife was waiting at the door with a rolling pin.
I said to her, "what are you doing..baking..at this time of the night" ?
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "hey, will you give me a free beer if I show you something amazing you've never seen before?"
The bartender says, "sure, but it'd better be good."
The man reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster.
He sets the hamster down on the bar, and the hamster runs along the bar, jumps off the end, turns a somersault in midair and lands on the piano.
He the proceeds to play the piano beautifully.
The bartender says, "Wow! That was incredible! Have a beer."
The man finishes his beer and says to the bartender, "hey, if I show you something else amazing that you've never seen before, will you give me another free beer?"
"If it's as amazing as the hamster, sure," the bartender replies.
So the man reaches back into his coat pocket, and pulls out a frog.
He sets the frog down on the bar, and the frog begins to sing beautifully.
The bartender is again amazed, and gets the man another beer.
As the man is drinking his beer, another man rushes over and says "Holy shit, a singing frog! I'll give you $200 for that frog."
The first man says "Deal!" and sells him the frog.
The bartender walks over and says, "not that it's my business, but that was a singing frog, for heaven's sake. Why would you sell it for only $200? You could have made millions off of it."
The man says, "nah, don't worry. The hamster's also a ventriloquist."
Yo mama so ugly Lady Liberty blew her torch out so she wouldn't have to see her.
Q: Why did Hitler hate golf?
A: Because he ended up in the bunker.
Yo mama so ugly that she died of fright when she looked in the mirror.
Yo momma so fat, her patronus is a cake.
Yo' Mama is so fat, every time you smack her butt, you can ride the waves.
Yo mama so fat, when she plays hopscotch, she plays like this New York, Chicago, New Orleans, L.A.
Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?
He wanted rich milk.
Why didn't the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster?
Because he was a commentator.