Kid: "please could I go 2 the toilet"
teacher: "say the alphabet"
Kid: "abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz"
teacher: "where's the p?"
kid: "running half way down my leg"
A Canadian is on vacation and walks into a bar.
He sits on this HUGE stool and says to the bartender' man, I heard things are big down here in Texas, but this is ridiculas!' and orders a mug of beer.
He gets a pitcher of beer and asks the bartender, 'man, I heard that things are big down here in Texas but this is ridiculas!' and goes about drinking his beer. He orders another and he gets really pissed drunk.
Well, not too long later, he has to go to the bathroom really, really bad so he asks the bartender, 'Where is your washroom???'
The bartender says, down the hall, second door on the right.'
So the man climbs off the stool and stumbles down the hall and enters the second door to the left and falls in this huge swimming pool.
The man is struggling to stay afloat and screams 'DON'T FLUSH IT!!!
The second hardest element in the universe is Chuck Norris.
The first only comes into existance when Chuck gets excited.
Vote:
Which runs faster, hot or cold?
Hot.
Everyone can catch cold.
Q: Did you hear the one about the blonde that had a problem with her bed?
A: She couldn't find a knife large enough to apply the bed spread.
I was taking a golf lesson at the range one day trying to improve my game.
This old pro was sitting there giving the lesson and after every swing, he said: "your standing too close the ball".
So I adjusted my stance and took another swing.
Again the golf pro looked up from his seat and said the Same thing "you are too close to the ball."
So I stepped back a little more and swung.
This went on for another six swings with the same advice and finally, out of exasperation I screamed what the hell are you talking about!
The old pro said, "no no, you are too close to the ball after you hit it".
PE Teacher: "Why did you kick that ball straight at the school computer?"
Pupil: "You told me to put it on the Net."
Yo mama so ugly when she auditioned for a horror movie they sent her to a professional!
5 stages of being single: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, texting your ex something random then going like "sorry wrong message".
Vote:
The only reason Godzilla goes back into the ocean is because Chuck Norris is expecting him... for dinner.
Vote: