About 4,000 years ago: God: "I shall create a great plague and every living thing on Earth will die!" Fish: *Winks at God and slips him a $20 note* God: "Correction, I shall create a great flood!"
Marley stopped at the town barbershop for a haircut. After thirty-five minutes of snipping and cutting, the barber held a mirror behind Marley's head. "How you like it?" asked the barber. "Real fine," said the redneck. "But how 'bout making it a little longer in the back?"
Q: How many Apple Iphone 6 early adopters does it take to change a light bulb? A: 3001. 1 to do the work and 3000 to go online and bitch about the lack of obscure features!
What does a British potato say when it thinks something is wonderful? It's mashing!
Your mama is so hairy Bigfoot took a picture of her.
Yo mama so fat, her portrait fell off the wall.
Yo momma so poor... Burglars break into yo momma's home and leave money.
Yo mama is so fat, it takes two texts for her to send a selfie.
I've finally told my suitcases there will be no holiday this year. Now I'm dealing with the emotional baggage.
Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes? A. Goes-in-tight!