Aaron Hernandez goes to prison as a tight end.
He'll come out a wide receiver! 
Did you hear Richard Simmons had plastic surgery to get his love handles removed?
Yeah... now he has no ears.
The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashier and was down to two final applicants - one of which would get the job.
The first one interviewed was from a small college in upstate New York.
A nice young man, but a bit timid.
Then he called for the second man, "Jim Johnson!"
Up stepped a burley young man who seemed quite sure of himself.
"He looks like he can take care of any situation," thought the manager, and decided, there and then, to hire him.
He turned to the first applicant and told him he could go and they would let him know.
Turning to Johnson, he said, "Now Jim, I like the way you carry yourself that's an important asset for the job as cashier. However, you must be precise. I noticed you did not fill out the place on the application where we asked your formal education."
Jim looked a little confused so the manager said, "Where did you get your financial education?"
"Oh," replied Jim " at Yale."
"That's very good, excellent. You're hired! Now that you're working for us, what do you prefer to be called?"
Jim answered "I don't care. Yimi or Mr. Yonson."
What's green and eats nuts?
Syphilis.
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Q: What is the name of 007's Eskimo cousin?
A: Polar Bond.
Yo mama so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"
Yo mama so fat people used her as a tramp.
Q: Why did the students study in the airplane?
A: Because they wanted higher grades.
Yo mama so ugly that she saw herself six ways in the mirror!
Q: What's brown and white and flies all over?
A: Thanksgiving turkey, when you carve it with a chainsaw!
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