Santa Claus goes to the mall to sit on Chuck Norris' lap.
A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed ‘Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man.'
The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"
Signs Your Cop Partner Needs A Vacation:
9. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.
8. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.
7. He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.
6. He talks to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop".
5. He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.
4. He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.
3. The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his relationship troubles.
2. He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.
1. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident!!
Q: How do you know that Democrats are a diverse people?
A: Because they keep count of how many people they know in each racial or ethnic category.
A little boy was taken to the dentist.
It was discovered that he had a cavity that would have to be filled.
"Now, young man," asked the dentist, "what kind of filling would you like for that tooth?"
"Chocolate, please," replied the youngster.
An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.
“Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?” the officer said.
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”
“He said you were speeding!” the old man yelled.
The patrolman then asked, “May I see your license?”
The woman turned to her husband again, “What did he say?”
The old man yelled back, “He wants to see your license!”
The woman then gave the officer her license.
“I see you are from Arkansas,” the patrolman said. “I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.”
The woman turned to her husband again and asked, “What did he say?”
The old man replied, “He said he knows you!
Did you hear about the cannibal who joined the police force?
He said he wanted to grill his suspects.
Q: Why did the gay man take two aspirin with his Viagra?
A: So sex wouldn't be such a pain in the arse.
Little Johnny: Dad, Is it true?
I heard that in some countries where arranged marriage is a custom, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries!
Father: Son, that happens everywhere, after marriage you find out everything!”
Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.