A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat.
The police stop him and say that he can’t drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo.
The man agrees and drives off.
The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again.
He is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo."
The man replies "I did. Today I’m taking them to the movies."
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
I wonder if it's mine.
Why did the 3 blondes jump off the building?
They wanted to see if their maxi-pads really had wings.
Q:Why is basketball the grossest sport there is?
A:Because they dribble all over the court.
Q:What did the bartender say after a book walked into the bar?
A:"Please, no stories!"
While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather, to how things used to be in the “good old days.”
Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses.
One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked,
“Roy, aren’t you and your bride celebrating your fiftieth wedding anniversary soon?”
“Yup, we sure are,” Roy replied.
“Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?” another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, “For our twenty-fifth anniversary,
I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our fiftieth, I’ll go down there and get her.”
Vote:
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932.
The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.
“I invested that nickel in an apple.
I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
“The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples.
I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents.
I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.”
“And that’s how you built an empire?” the boy asked.
“Heavens, no!” the man replied. “Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”
A 65 year old blonde has a baby.
All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.
When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says “not yet.”
A little later they ask to see the baby again.
Again the mother says “not yet.”
Finally they say, “When can we see the baby?”
And the mother says, “When the baby cries.”
And they ask, “Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?”
The new mother says, “because I forgot where I put it.”
Vote:
Traffic was backed up for miles, the police were going car to car.
When they got to my car I asked the officer what was going on.
He said "It's O.J. again. He's up there threatening to set himself on fire!
We are going car to car collecting donations."
"Donations!" I said, "How much you got so far?"
He said "about ten gallons."
There were three strings that walked into the bar.
They sat down and they didn't get waited on so the first string walked up to the bar and asked for three beers.
The bartender said, "I'm sorry buddy we don't serve strings in here."
The string walks back to the table and tells his friends what the bartender said.
"I've been here before and gotten a drink, I'll go get us something to drink," said the second string.
The second sting walks up to the bar and politely asks the bartender for three beers.
The bartender says, "I thought I told your buddy we don't serve strings in here."
So the second string walks back and and tells his friends what has happened.
The third string says "Oh, I come in here all the time, I know how to order something to drink."
The third sting walks to the restroom where he ties himself up and muffs up his end.
He then walks out to the bar and asks the bartender for three beers.
The bartender kind of looks at him weird and says, "You a string?" "Frayed knot," he replies.