A dog goes into a job centre and asks for employment.
‘Wow, a talking dog,’ says the clerk.
‘With your talent I’m sure we can find you a job at the circus.’
‘The circus?’ says the dog.
‘What does a circus want with a plumber?’
Teacher: To which family does the elephant belong?
Pupil: I don’t know, nobody I know owns one!
A man goes skydiving.
After a fantastic free fall he pulls the rip cord to open his parachute but nothing happens.
He tries everything but can't get it open.
Just then another man flies by him, going UP.
The skydiver yells, "Hey, you know anything about parachutes?
The man replies, "No, you know anything about gas stoves?
How does a blond spell farm?
E-I-E-I-O
Q: What do you call a fire at the Internet cafe?
A: An e-mergency.
Q: What do you call a car only British animals can drive?
A: OxFord.
Q: Why don't fat people were turtlenecks?
A: Because turtles are now endangered.
Yo mamma so fat, it takes her two trips to haul ass.
The phrase "I am become death, destroyer of worlds" was actually first coined by Chuck Norris when he came out of the womb.
Vote:
A lion was getting rather old and slow and having difficulty catching its prey.
It decided it needed a disguise so that other animals did not know it was a lion and would not run away.
So it goes into a fancy dress shop and buys a gorilla suit.
It then heads for a watering hole to see if it can catch something with its new disguise.
On the way it comes across two eagles sitting on a rock.
One eagle says to it "Hi Mr. Lion!"
The other said, "Where did you get the gorilla suit?"
The lion, rather frustrated, asks, "How did you know I was a lion?"
The eagles then started to sing, "You can't hide your lion eyes".