Q: What's the first thing elves learn in school?
A: The "elf"-abet!
A little old man who's hard of hearing goes to see the doctor. As he can't hear very well, he takes his wife with him.
The doctor examines the man and then says, "Hmm, I think we need to take a stool sample, a urine sample and a sperm sample."
The old man turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"
The wife replies, "He said he wants your underwear."
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Little Johnny walked into the house covered in filth.
His mom asked, "Johnny, why do you always get so dirty?"
Johnny replied, " I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are."
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Q: "What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?"
A: "You can't tuna fish."
Chuck Norris destroyed all life in a place called Happy Valley.
We know it today as Death Valley.
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What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A thesaurus.
Chuck Norris commited suicide, and lived.
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Q: What's the difference between basketball and sex?
A: In basketball you dribble before you shoot!
A lady tells the nurse at a maternity hospital, "I want to call my little baby Ellie."
Nurse replies, "I'm sorry, but that name is already taken, perhaps you can consider naming her Ellie532 or Ellie_153?"
Bill Clinton walks out on to his front porch, and written in urine was "The president must go."
Bill Clinton storms into his office and demaned to know who did it.
So his two body guards run out to find out who it was.
Five hours later the two gaurds come back in, they told Bill, "We have some bad news, and we have worse news."
"What is the bad news?" asked Bill.
"Well, the bad news is, we took a urine test, and it was his vice-president, Al Gore."
"Whats the worst news?" asked Bill.
"The worst news is that it is Hillary's hand writing!"