An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”
The four men didn’t wait for a second invitation.
They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver’s seat.
She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.
She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why.
A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down!
She loaded her bags into the car and then drove to the police station.
The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter.
He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, about 75, and carrying a large handgun.
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Chuck Norris can whistle in five different languages, including sign language.
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My colleague said to me, "I bet you can't see your dick when you look down in the shower."
"No, just your daughter's head," I replied.
A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected the wedding ring.
As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned.
"Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?"
With a fatherly smile, the salesman said,
"One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."
Two law partners hire a new cute, young secretary and a contest arises between them as to who can bed her first, even though they’re both already married.
Eventually one of them scores with her and his partner is quite eager to hear how things went.
“So what did you think?” he asks.
“Ahh,” replies the first lawyer, “my wife is better.”
Some time goes by, and then the second lawyer goes to bed with the secretary.
“So,” asks the first guy, “what did you think?”
The second guy replies, “You were right.”
When a married man says "I'll think about it", what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.
Look up "rib" in the dictionary and it says "To vex, irritate or annoy."
Look up "rib" in the Bible and it says "Woman."
Coincidence?
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There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Wales.
Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.
Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.
When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.
The Englishman was thinking: ‘The Scottish guy must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.’
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: ‘The English guy must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.’
And the Scotsman was thinking: ‘This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I’ll make that kissing noise and slap that English bastard again.'
As I shopped, the following announcement came over the department store's PA system:
"If someone here has a convertible with the top down, it just started raining. Towels are located in aisle five."
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I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine...
I always get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.