A state trooper pulls over a car for speeding and the female driver says "I guess you want to sell me some tickets to the Trooper's Ball?" The trooper responded,
"Troopers don't have balls, ma'am."
After he realized what he said, he simply walked back to his car and drove away. 
A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror…
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible;
I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.”
The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
Chuck Norris met an exclamation point and punched it in the face.
We now have questions.
Vote:
Woman 1: Oh!
You got a haircut!
That’s so cute!
Woman 2: Do you think so?
I wasn’t sure when she was gave me the mirror.
I mean, you don’t think it’s too fluffy looking?
Woman 1: Oh God no! No, it’s perfect.
I’d love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide.
I’m pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable.
And you could easily get one of those layer cuts – that would look so cute I think.
I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman 1: Oh – that’s funny!
I would love to have your neck!
Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman 2: Are you kidding?
I know girls that would love to have your shoulders.
Everything drapes so well on you.
I mean, look at my arms – see how short they are?
If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
Man 1: Haircut?
Man 2: Yeah.
This 12 year old boy was in bed when he heard his mother moaning.
He decided that he'd go see whats wrong with her.
When he looked in his mothers room he saw that she was laying on her bed naked and rubbing herself and saying, "I need a man, I need a man."
So this quite a few times and then one night he heard his mother again, but this time her moaning sounded different, so he went to go check it out, this time instead of seeing his mother alone, he sees his mother in bed with a man.
So the boy runs back to his room, strips all his clothes off, jumps on the bed and starts rubbing himself while saying, "I need a bike, I need a bike!!!"
Vote:
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off
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A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.
As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on."
She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can’t wear your pants," she said.
"That’s right!" said the husband, "and don’t you forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family!"
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
He said, "Hell, I can’t get into your panties!"
She said, "That’s right, and that’s the way it’s going to be until you change your attitude…"
Q: What's the difference between Miley Cyrus and a salad?
A: The salad is dressed.
Workplaces are like septic tanks: All the biggest lumps eventually rise to the top.
Vote:
Q: If an accountant's wife cannot sleep, what does she say?
A: "Darling, could you tell me about your work."
Vote: