Best jokes ever

What happened to the cannibal lion? He had to swallow his pride!
Vote: has 82.03 % from 22 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal
Doctor: "Did you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory?" Patient: "What pills?"
Vote: has 82.03 % from 22 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: doctor, drug, memory
A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" "I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot." "Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me." "I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird." "Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?" "Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion." The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that." "Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer." The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your lover and the mailman." "What?" asks the guy. "Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth." "What happened then?" asks the guy. "Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting him all over," reports the parrot. "My God!" the guy says. "Then what?" "Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to lick him, starting with his chest, slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time... "What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy. "That's what pisses me off. I don't know." said the parrott. "I got a hard-on, and fell off my fucking perch."
Vote: has 82.03 % from 22 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: bird, communication, dirty, parrot, vulgar
A man leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away. A mile down the road, he's stopped by a police officer. The officer walked up to the driver's side window holding a Breathalyzer and said: "Good evening sir. We're testing for drunk driving. Would you please blow into this machine?" The man says: "Sorry officer, but I can't do that. I have asthma. If I blow in that machine, I will get out of air." "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample", said the officer. "I can't do that. I have anemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death." "Well, then we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar." "Alright... then you'll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line." "I can't do that either, officer." The officer was getting irritated... "And why not?" "Because I'm dead drunk."
Vote: has 82.03 % from 22 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: bar, car, cop, drunk
Q: Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible? A: When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.
Vote: has 82.03 % from 22 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: bible, sport
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing. He found her to be possessive and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence.
Vote: has 82.03 % from 22 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: communication, marriage
Drunk man stumbles upstairs late at night and bursts through the bedroom door with a duck under his arm. He announces to his now awake annoyed wife that "This is the pig I've been screwing." The wife unimpressed said "You drunk arsehole... That's a duck". The bloke looks down at the duck and then looks back up at his wife and says... "I was talking to the duck!"
Vote: has 82.03 % from 22 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, drunk, mean, vulgar, wife
Patty was quietly minding her own business, eating her soup alone in her booth at a local eatery, when a voice startled her from behind. It was the guy in the booth behind her. "Not so loud!" he said. "What?" she questioned, as she took another spoonful of soup. "I said not so loud!" was his muffled reply. Embarrassed at being told she was slurping her soup, she pushed away her bowl and started her grilled cheese sandwich. "How was your day?" questioned the man from behind once again. "Pretty good" responded Patty, confused that this stranger would care. "Did you pass the exam?" came the next question from behind. "I don't know, I didn't get my grade yet" replied a thoroughly bewildered Patty. "I'll have to call you back when I'm out of here", came the voice from behind once again, "some nut job is answering every question I ask you!
Vote: has 82.03 % from 22 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: food, stupid, work
Life is like a dick, sometimes it becomes hard for no reason.
Vote: has 82.03 % from 22 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: dirty, life
During the soccer match little Johny sits in the front row. His friend asks: How did you get tickets? From my brother - respond Petya. And where is your brother? At home. Looking for his ticket.
Vote: has 82.03 % from 386 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: little Johnny, soccer