Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there.
A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.
The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"
The other missionary replied, "I just peed in the soup!"
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A man visits his aunt in the nursing home.
It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.
Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he’s absentmindedly finished the entire bowl of peanuts.
"I’m so sorry, auntie, I’ve eaten all of your peanuts!"
"That’s okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I’ve sucked the chocolate off, I don’t care for them anyway."
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Chuck Norris' yawn put people in comas.
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A gang of thieves broke into a blood bank last night and stole a hundred pints of blood.
Police are still hunting for the clots.
How did the tugboat get AIDS?
It was rear-ended by a ferry.
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Yo' Mama is so fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat, the kids yell, "Here comes the school bus."
What did Mariah Carey really wanted to sing: "All I want for Christmas is you... to get hit by a reindeer."
Chuck Norris does not play computer games, he makes games play computer!
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Chuck Norris is not 70 years old.
At age 60, he began getting younger.
This is why he is actually only 50.
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Q: What is worst than raining black cats and bloodhounds?
A: Hailing taxi cabs!