You can't buy happiness but you can buy weed… and that's pretty close.
Three men stranded on an island. They were walking across the sand when they came across a magic lamp; they rubbed the lamp and out came a genie. The genie said "you have three wishes but make it quick." So they thought about what they were going to wish for. The one man said, "I wish I was at home with my family." So the genie said your wish is my command, and he was gone, then the second man said "I wish I was in the pub with my mates." So he was gone. The last man said, "I am lonely and I want my friends back."
How many Mexicans does it take to knock out paquiao? Only Juan.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Q: Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas? A: Because Oct 31 == Dec 25!
A bulletproof jacket is an imitation of Chuck Norris' beard.
At the New York Zoo, a little boy felt the urge to feed his banana to a big gorilla there. His mother didn’t allow it. The boy started to cry, and made his mother to change her mind. Proudly, the boy goes near the gorilla with the banana and as he was about to give it away, the gorilla grabbed him and was prepared to eat him. Crying and shouting, the boy tries to escape, but even his mother stood still in the sight of it. Suddenly, something sounded like a hum up in the air... It was Superman! Superman rescued the child! The crowd relieved applauses. The Media arrived at that point, and the reporters started interviewing Superman. "Which newspaper are you from?" Superman asked to one of them. "New York Times." "You can ask me now." Superman said. "Were you scared while saving the kid?" "Yes, but it doesn’t matter to me. I want to help other human beings, no matter the cost." To the next reporter: "Which newspaper are you from? "Herald Tribute. Which are your beliefs about children?" "I believe that children are the future of our world and that we should, all of us protect them from evil." The third reporter: "Which newspaper are you from?" "Risebroker" (Rizospastis, a Greek newspaper) "To you, you damned communist, I’m not saying a word!" Next Day, Newspapers write in their FrontPage: New York Times – Superman, the abnegation and human sacrifice standard! Herald Tribute – Superman, the defender and children Savior! Risebroker – Superman, Propagandist, right winged fascist, deprives food from South-African immigrant!
Black magic... It doesn't work.
Judge Claudia Jordan of Denver slipped a message to her clerk during a trial. The note said: “Blind on the right side. May be falling. Please call someone.” The clerk called 9-1-1. She told the judge not to worry, help was on the way. The judge made a noise. “I wanted someone from maintenance,” she said. The trouble was the window blinds on the courtroom’s right side. The judge appologized to the paramedics when they arrived.
Q: Why did the boy fall off the swing? A: He didn't have any arms.