Best jokes ever

A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say that he can’t drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off. The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again. He is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo." The man replies "I did. Today I’m taking them to the movies."
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More jokes about: animal, cop, travel
Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren’t the best teacher in the school.
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More jokes about: school
Yo mamas so ugly when Bob the builder saw her he said "Oh cannot fix that."
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More jokes about: ugly, work, Yo mama
A prisoner at the Edmonton Max started training a large fly to do tricks. For years, for thousands of hours, he worked with the insect. It learned to walk across a miniature high wire, ride a tiny one-wheel bike, balance on a pair of stilts and sing songs from Phantom of the opera. "When you and I get out of here," the jailbird said to the fly "we’re going to tour the nightspots and make a fortune." Finally the day arrived. Fly safely tucked away in his pocket, (inside its matchbox home), the ex-con made his way to a bar to celebrate. At the bar, he brought out his trick fly. On cue, it started moonwalking. "What about this fly, eh?" he said to the bartender. In one swift motion, the bartender reached for his copy of the newspaper The edmonton sun, rolled it up and squished the fly with a mighty swipe. "Glad you saw it," muttered the bartender. "Blasted things are everywhere."
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More jokes about: alcohol, animal, music, prison, work
Q: What is brown, small, and smells of caramel? A: A diabetic who's been struck by lightning.
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More jokes about: black humor, health, morbid
Using only a black king, Chuck Norris defeated the world-champion grand-master in chess.
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More jokes about: Chuck Norris, game, sport
What dog can jump higher than a building? Anydog, buildings can't jump!
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More jokes about: animal
A big party is being held to honor relational database systems and their impact on modern society. Outside the venue, the host awaits the guests. The first limousine arrives and out steps Oracle followed by 4 people. Host: Who have you brought along? Oracle: I have 4 DBA's in tow. One to install me, one to design the databases, one to administer me, and the other to justify the cost. A second limo arrives and out steps DB2 followed by 40 people. Host: Who have you bought along? DB2: I have 2 DBA's, 2 hardware specialists, and 36 consultants. A third limo arrives and out steps SQL Server all on his own. Host: Why haven't you brought anyone? SQL Server: I didn't bring anyone because I am easy to install and am basically self managing. But I did bring the #sqlhelp Twitter hashtag for when the excrement hits the fan. 20 minutes later, up rushes MySQL, unshaved, hair a mess. Host: Where have you been MySQL? MySQL: Sorry, I thought it was February 31st.
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More jokes about: coding, geek, IT, party, technology
Dear Facebook, Everytime I add a girl you ask me "Do you know her? Is she your sister?"
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More jokes about: Facebook, family
What is funnier than a zombie baby hanging from a ceiling fan? Hitting it with a shovel when it comes around.
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More jokes about: baby, disgusting