What's grosser than gross? When you throw your underwear and it sticks to the wall. What's grosser than that? When you come back an hour later and it's moved up three feet.
A policeman pulled a blonde over after she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Cop: "Do you know where your going?" Blonde: "No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people are leaving.
Yo mama is so poor, rainbows in her neighborhood are black and white.
Sign seen in a bar: "Those drinking to forget please pay in advance."
Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead? Because she was trying to make up her mind.
Yo momma so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"
When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
What's the difference between a man and an ox? Fifteen pounds and a six-pack.
An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, "Well, it looks plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber." Curious, the attorney asked, "What do you have there?" The drunk replied, "I don't know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber." The attorney responded, "Let me take a look." So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don't know what it is. Where did you get it?" The drunk replied, "Out of my nose!"
A spaceman landed on the moon. To his surprise he saw ahead of him a little shop, with the name above it: "MORRIE COHEN, BESPOKE TAILORS." Curious, he went into the shop. A surprised looking man appeared behind the counter. "Who are you?" he asked. "I’m a spaceman," replied the spaceman. The man closed his eyes, and slapped his own cheek with one hand. "Cutters, I asked for. And they send me spacemen!"