A woman was standing naked, looking herself at the mirror. She was not satisfied with what she was looking at and said to her husband: "I feel awful. I look old, fat, and ugly. I really need a compliment right now." Her husband replied: "Your vision is perfectly nice!" ...and then the fight started.
A couple had been married for 50 years and had raised a brood of 10 children and was blessed with 20 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."
After a lengthy quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied: "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
Why are little girls better than little boys? Because when you're finished using them as little girls, you can turn them over and use them as little boys.
Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog, Skipper, had recently died. "You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God." Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"
Q: What was so bad about being a black Jew? A: You had to sit in the back of the oven.
My girlfriend likes to pretend to be a 14 year old when we have sex. I don't get it she will be 14 in a few years anyway.
A man walks into a crowded local bar brandishing a revolver yelling "Who’s been screwing my wife?" A voice from the back of the bar shouts back, "You don’t have enough ammo, mate!"
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
A newly-wed couple didn’t know the difference between putty and Vaseline. A week after the marriage all their windows fell out. Which was the least of their worries.