When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
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One cure for a cold consists of three shots of whisky.
There are better remedies, but most people don’t want to hear them.
If God had meant us to pay taxes, he’d have made us smart enough to fill in the return form.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
Using a credit card is a convenient way to spend money you wish you had.
A family doctor is seeing an 80 year old patient for the first time. She tells him, “Since this is your first time here, I’d like to get a little history on you. Who’s been your regular doctor up till now?”
The man says, “I don’t remember saying I’ve ever been to the doctor.”
The doctor is astonished. “What? You’ve never been to a doctor?”
The man says, “Nope. Never needed one before.”
“That’s remarkable,” she says. “But there must be a family doctor somewhere. What about your father when he was alive. Who was the family doctor?”
“I don’t remember saying my father had passed away.”
“Oh, I’m sorry! You’re father’s still alive? He must be at least a hundred.”
“Yep. ‘Bout that. And he’s never been to the doctor either.”
She says, “Well that’s one impressive bloodline you have there. What an amazing family. But there’s got to be a doctor in the history somewhere. What about your grandfather when he was alive? Who was the family doctor?”
“I don’t remember saying my grandfather had passed away.”
“Oh come on now, you must be kidding! Your grandfather is still alive? He’d have to be at least 120!”
“Yep, ‘Bout that. And he’s never been to the doctor either. But I think he’s gonna have to go soon. He’s getting married next week.”
“What?" she says. "Oh now surely you’re joking. Getting married? Imagine being 120 years old and wanting to get married!”
The old man looks at her and says, “I don’t remember saying he WANTED to get married."
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Yo mama is so skinny that she eats a nut and thoughts that she’s pregnant...
James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator.
However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
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Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing.
He found her to be possessive and she hated his contractions.
The marriage felt like a sentence.
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Chuck Norris once shook a pirates hand.
That pirate is now known as Captain Hook
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