The best alcohol jokes

A man is in a bar and has one too many drinks. This beautiful lady sits down next to him. He turns to her and says "Hey how bout it. You and me, gettin it on. I've got a couple dollars and it looks like you could use a little money." She stands up and says, "What makes you think I charge by the inch."
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has 35.28 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, beauty, money, women
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and hugged her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "You worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed. "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
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has 35.23 % from 10 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, women
2 people walk into a bar. The third one ducked.
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has 35.23 % from 10 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
He drank like a fish. Which would have been okay if he’d drunk what the fish drinks.
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has 35.23 % from 10 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
I gave up alcohol last year. It was the longest 20 minutes of my life.
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has 35.23 % from 10 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
It’s people that give drinking a bad name.
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has 35.23 % from 10 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The barmaid came over to take their orders. "And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?" The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, "I will have a glass of plasma." The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, "Two bloods and a blood light."
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has 34.87 % from 8 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
A guy was sitting in a bar, drinking away. Suddenly he says to the bartender, "I have to go home or the wife will be mad". (at this point he was loaded drunk) He climbed down from the bar stool, and fell flat on his face. The man then said "I can't walk and I didn't have that much to drink?". He gets up to give it another try, this time the same thing happens and he falls flat to his face. He says "I have to get home some way or the wife will kill me if I don't get home soon"! He gets an idea of crawling home, so away he went crawling home. He crawled up to his apartment and slowely snuck into bed with his wife trying not to wake her. The next morning he woke up to see his wife running in the room. She said "you were out drinking again last night weren't you!" The man replied with "NO WAY!" And the wife said "YOU LIAR! The bartender just called and said you left your wheelchair at the club again last night"!
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has 34.87 % from 8 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
I never drink unless I’m alone or with somebody.
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has 34.87 % from 8 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
A man who goes into the pub optimistically often comes out misty optically.
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has 34.87 % from 8 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
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