I gave up alcohol last year.
It was the longest 20 minutes of my life.
It’s people that give drinking a bad name.
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall .
The drunk mumbles, "ain’t no use knocking, there’s no paper on this side either!"
A guy was sitting in a bar, drinking away.
Suddenly he says to the bartender, "I have to go home or the wife will be mad".
(at this point he was loaded drunk)
He climbed down from the bar stool, and fell flat on his face.
The man then said "I can't walk and I didn't have that much to drink?".
He gets up to give it another try, this time the same thing happens and he falls flat to his face.
He says "I have to get home some way or the wife will kill me if I don't get home soon"!
He gets an idea of crawling home, so away he went crawling home.
He crawled up to his apartment and slowely snuck into bed with his wife trying not to wake her.
The next morning he woke up to see his wife running in the room.
She said "you were out drinking again last night weren't you!"
The man replied with "NO WAY!"
And the wife said "YOU LIAR!
The bartender just called and said you left your wheelchair at the club again last night"!
A man orders a pint of beer, notices it tastes sour and complains to the barman.
‘What are you moaning about?’ says the barman.
‘You’ve only got a pint of that rubbish, I’ve got three barrels full.’
I never drink unless I’m alone or with somebody.
We call my father-in-law the exorcist.
Every time he visits he rids the house of spirits.
A man who goes into the pub optimistically often comes out misty optically.
Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on.
It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal.
"I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy.
"Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.
Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge.
The second guy hands the first guy the money.
"I can't take your money," said the first guy.
"I cheated you.
The same story was on the five o'clock news."
"No, no.
Take it," said the second guy.
"I saw the five o'clock news too.
I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"
Three guys are riding in their truck while drinking beer, having a good ol' time.
The driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car so he pulls over.
The other two are real nervous, "What do we do with our beers?
We're in trouble!"
"No," the driver says, "just do this: pull the label off of your beer bottle and stick it to your forehead and let me do the talking."
So they all pull the labels off their beer bottles and stick 'em to their foreheads.
The policeman walks up and says, "You boys were swerving down the road.
Have you been drinking?"
The driver says, "Oh, no officer," and points to his forehead, "we're on the patch, trying to quit."