The best alcohol jokes

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ''I'll serve you, but don't start anything''
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A drunk staggers in a Catholic church late one night and collapses in the confessional. Next morning he’s awoken by the sound of the priest entering the cubicle next to him. The priest addresses him through the grille. ‘Good morning, my son. What can I do for you?’ ‘You got here just in time,’ replies the drunk. ‘Could you pass over some toilet paper?’
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Q: What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini? A: "Olive or twist?"
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A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. As he sits there, the jar of nuts on the bar tells him what a nice shirt he is wearing. Disturbed by this, he goes to the cigarette vending machine to buy a pack of smokes. As he approaches the machine, it starts screaming and shouting at him. He runs to the bar and explains this to the barman. The barman apologizes and says "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order"!
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A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer. The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club. "You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.
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Q: What do you get when you mix English class with alcohol? A: Tequila Mockingbird
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Q: What does a shot of Everclear and a Woman have in common? A: Both of them make men start talking nonsense!
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Q: Why doesn't Simon Cowell drink whiskey? A: Because it makes him mean!
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Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox? A: About eight beers.
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A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"
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