The best alcohol jokes

I never drink unless I’m alone or with somebody.
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has 34.87 % from 8 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
We call my father-in-law the exorcist. Every time he visits he rids the house of spirits.
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has 34.87 % from 8 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
A man who goes into the pub optimistically often comes out misty optically.
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has 34.87 % from 8 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money. "I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"
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has 34.78 % from 6 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
Three guys are riding in their truck while drinking beer, having a good ol' time. The driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car so he pulls over. The other two are real nervous, "What do we do with our beers? We're in trouble!" "No," the driver says, "just do this: pull the label off of your beer bottle and stick it to your forehead and let me do the talking." So they all pull the labels off their beer bottles and stick 'em to their foreheads. The policeman walks up and says, "You boys were swerving down the road. Have you been drinking?" The driver says, "Oh, no officer," and points to his forehead, "we're on the patch, trying to quit."
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has 34.78 % from 6 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
Q: Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan? A: Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke!
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has 34.57 % from 53 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, celebrity, dirty, drug, music
A guy walked into a bar and said "Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender." But when it was time to pay, the guy didn't have the money, so the bartender beat him up. The next day the guy did the same thing, ordered a beer for everyone, even the bartender, and the bartender beat him up since the guy couldn't pay. Then the next day, the guy said "Beers for everyone! But not you, bartender!" The bartender said "Why?" The guy replyed "You're violent when you're drunk!"
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has 33.37 % from 15 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
Q: What do you call a dangerous fish who drinks too much? A: A beer-a-cuda!
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has 33.37 % from 15 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
A ham sandwich walked into a bar and the bartender said: "We don't sell to ham sandwiches." But the sandwich replied: "That's okay, I only want a beer."
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has 33.37 % from 15 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bartender, beer, food
A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ''I'll serve you, but don't start anything''
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has 32.54 % from 13 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
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