The best alcohol jokes

A man is staggering home drunk late at night when he’s stopped by a policeman. ‘What are you doing out here at this time of night?’ asks the officer. ‘I’m going to a lecture,’ replies the man. ‘And who’s going to give a lecture at this hour?’ asks the policeman. ‘My wife,’ replies the man.
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More jokes about: alcohol
Yo mama so fat she died.
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More jokes about: alcohol, death, fat, insulting
A pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks down and says, "You know that you have a steering wheel in your pants" The pirate replies, "Ay, it's drivin' me nuts."
Vote: has 29.93 % from 14 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: alcohol, bar, bartender, pirate
A man walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the guy started to leave. "Excuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what the guy had done. "What was that all about?" "Nothing", said the guy, "My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
Vote: has 29.01 % from 7 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: alcohol, bar, food, wife
Q: What do you get when you mix English class with alcohol? A: Tequila Mockingbird
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Q: What does a shot of Everclear and a Woman have in common? A: Both of them make men start talking nonsense!
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More jokes about: alcohol, men, women
Q: Why doesn't Simon Cowell drink whiskey? A: Because it makes him mean!
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A drunk staggered down the main street of the town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to a cathedral and into the entrance, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest had observed all this, and figured the fellow needed some help, so he entered his side of the confessional. After the priest sat there in deathly silence, he finally asked, "May I help you, my son?" "I dunno," came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any paper on your side?"
Vote: has 29.01 % from 7 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: alcohol, priest
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"
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More jokes about: alcohol, bar, beer
A snail goes into a bar and orders a beer. The barman says, "sorry we don't serve snails" and throws him out. A couple of weeks later the snail goes into the bar again and says,"What did you do that for!?"
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