A guy walked into a bar and said
"Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender."
But when it was time to pay, the guy didn't have the money, so the bartender beat him up.
The next day the guy did the same thing, ordered a beer for everyone, even the bartender, and the bartender beat him up since the guy couldn't pay.
Then the next day, the guy said "Beers for everyone! But not you, bartender!"
The bartender said "Why?"
The guy replyed "You're violent when you're drunk!"
A rather drunk man was walking along the street one day.
He was staggering quite a bit and made two nuns that were approaching him, very nervous.
The two nuns split apart and one walked to the man's left and one walked to the man's right.
After the nuns were past the man, he turned around and said, "Now how the hell did she do that?"
A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.
The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.
The bartender looks at the guy and asks:
"What's wrong with your turtle?"
"Not a thing," the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!"
"Not a chance!", replies the barkeep.
"Okay then, says the guy... you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar.
Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog.
I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there."
So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees.
The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.
Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says -
"I WIN... Told you it'll be there before your dog!"
"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the teacher while putting a worm into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
He then put the second worm into the whiskey.
It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" he asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, "Drink whisky and you won't get worms."
A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly.
"How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?"
The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club."
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes.
He is obviously drunk.
So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."
The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times.
They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man.
He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.
The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"
Yo momma’s so fat, when she dances the band skips.
Q: What's all over a clean nose?
A: Fingerprints.
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!!
We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?", asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."