The best alcohol jokes

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
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Beer: helping ugly people have sex since 3000 BC!
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Dick goes into a rough bar and orders a drink. A man sidles up to him and says, ‘I can see you’re a stranger in here.’ ‘Why, yes,’ says Dick. ‘How could you tell?’ The man replies, ‘You’ve taken your hand off your glass.’
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Harry, to Tom: ‘I went to the dentist this morning.’ Tom: ‘So does your tooth still hurt?’ Harry: ‘I don’t know; he kept it.’
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He used to drink so much, Gordon’s thought he was a wholesaler.
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He’s such an alcoholic, when pink elephants get drunk, they see him.
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It’s late evening and Tom’s wife catches him pouring six cans of lager down the toilet. ‘What on earth are you doing?’ she says. Tom replies, ‘Well, it seems a waste, but I thought it’d save me getting up in the night.’
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One night Harry had been drinking so much he came home and was sick all over the cat. He looked down at it and said, ‘I don’t remember eating that.’
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Tom is walking home from the pub late one night when he takes a short cut across a cow field. Halfway across he drops his hat. He has to try on fifty others before he finds it again.
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A very short painter walks into a Parisian bar and offers to buy his friend a drink. His friend, rushing out of the door, shouts, ‘Can’t stop now, no time Toulouse.’
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