The best animal jokes

A guy goes out one day, hunting for bear. After a few hours in the forest, he finally sees a giant grizzly. He gets the bear in the rifle's sight and is about to pull the trigger when he feels a tap on his shoulder. It's another bear. 'Buddy,' the bear says, 'that's my best friend down there. I can rip your head off right now, or you can suck my dick. What's it gonna be?' Fearing for his life, the hunter says 'I'll suck your dick, Mr. Bear.' The next day, hungry for revenge, the hunter returns to the woods and sees the same bear. But as soon as he lines up the bear in his sights, he feels a tap on his shoulder. 'Buddy,' says the bear. 'Today, I can rip your head off or you can fuck me in the ass.' Again fearing for his life, the hunter replies, 'I'll fuck you in the ass Mr.Bear.' The next day, furious at what has happened to him, the hunter returns to the forest in order to kill same bear. Once again, he gets the bear in his rifle sights when he feels a tap on his shoulder. The bear shakes his head at the hunter and says, 'You don't come here for the hunting do you?'
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More jokes about: animal, life, sex
Yo' Mama is so fat, if she buys a fur coat, a whole species will become extinct.
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More jokes about: animal, fat, insulting, money, Yo mama
Q: Where do birds meet for coffee? A: In a nest-cafe!
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Q: What happened when the owl lost his voice? A: He didn't give a hoot!
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More jokes about: animal, bird, communication
Teacher: "What does a duck say?" Jenny: "Quack Quack" Teacher: "What does a cow say?" Madison: "Moo" Teacher: "What does a pig say?" Little Johnny: "A pig says *holds up gun* get on the wall, you motherfucker!"
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More jokes about: animal, communication, kids, little Johnny, vulgar
Little Johnny's teacher said, "Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's." Did you copy hers?, she asked. Johnny replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"
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More jokes about: animal, dog, little Johnny, teacher
Chuck Norris was mauled by a bear once, then the bear woke up and apologized.
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More jokes about: animal, Chuck Norris
"Pa's being chased by a bull!" "Well, what in tarnation do you want me to do about it?" "Get me some film for my camera."
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More jokes about: animal
Did you hear about the overweight man who took up horse riding as exercise? The horse lost 15 pounds in a week!
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More jokes about: animal
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a "manager". The questions are not that difficult. 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way. 2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator. Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions. 3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend except one. Which animal doesn't attend? Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities. 4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it? Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting! This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes. According to Andersen Consulting World wide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many pre-schoolers got several correct answers. Andersen Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most management consultants have the brains of a four-year-old.
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More jokes about: age, animal, management, memory, work