A panda walks into a bar, sits down and order a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for Panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
Q: What type of bees make milk? A: Boo-bees.
Two deer hunters were not having any luck so they asked for advice from an old-timer. "You can just about guarantee a deer if you learn to hunt with dogs," he said. The two hunters got a trained deer dog and hit the woods. At the end of the day and still empty-handed, one hunter said to the other, "Maybe tomorrow we'll get one if we throw the dog out of a higher treestand."
Q: Why did the ants dance on the jam jar? A: The lid said, "Twist to open."
I've just discovered a method for making wool out of milk. But doesn't that make the cow feel a little sheepish?
How does a leopard change its spots? When it gets tired of one spot it just moves to another.
A man and a woman are lying in bed, watching the ceiling and keep quiet. What are they thinking? The woman thinks, "He keeps quiet. He doesn’t want to talk. May be he’s get tired of me. He doesn’t love me anymore. He’s probably got someone else. I see. We’ll have to separate each other." The man thinks, "A fly. A fly on the ceiling. Wow! How keep it there and don’t fall?"
Q: Why did the bowlegged cowboy get fired? A: Because he couldn't keep his calves together!
You would think that taking off a snail's shell would make it move faster, but it actually just makes it more sluggish.
Why does a chicken lay eggs? Because if she dropped them, they’d break.