The best animal jokes

Spider: Why are you terrified by me? Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
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has 65.60 % from 98 votes. More jokes about: animal
A guy was walking along the street when he saw a crowd of people running towards him. He stopped one of the runners and asked, "What’s happening?" The runner replied breathlessly, "A lion has escaped from the zoo." "Oh my, which way is it heading?" "Well you don’t think we are chasing it, do you?"
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has 65.57 % from 37 votes. More jokes about: animal
A blonde returned home from work and was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She called the police immediately to report the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out onto the porch. The sight of the cop and his dog made her shudder. She put her face in her hands as she sat down on the steps and began moaning. "What's the moaning all about, ma'am?" asked the officer. The blonde replied, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen, so I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a blind policeman!"
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has 65.52 % from 44 votes. More jokes about: animal, blonde, cop, dog, work
Q: What happened when the owl lost his voice? A: He didn't give a hoot!
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has 65.42 % from 61 votes. More jokes about: animal, bird, communication
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house everyone felt shitty even the mouse. Mom at the whorehouse and dad smoking grass, I settled down for a nice piece of ass. When all of a sudden I heard such a clatter, I sprung from my place to see what was the matter. When out on the lawn I saw a big dick, I new in a moment it must be Saint Nick. He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell, I knew in a moment the f*cker had fell. He filled all of our stockings with pretzels and beer and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer. He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart, the son of a b*tch tore the chimney apart. He swore and he cursed as he flew out of sight, "piss on you all and have a hell of a night."
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has 65.40 % from 296 votes. More jokes about: animal, Christmas, dirty, fart
A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, “Where were you during the first half?” He replied “Putting on my shoes!”.
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has 65.20 % from 47 votes. More jokes about: animal, game, soccer
A blind man with a guide dog comes to a town square, takes the dog by the tail and starts whirling him around. „What on earth are you doing?!" asks a passer-by. The blind man replies, „Nothing, just looking around a bit."
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has 65.19 % from 33 votes. More jokes about: animal, black humor, dog
What happened to the man who tried to cross a lioin with a goat? He had to get a new goat.
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has 65.16 % from 22 votes. More jokes about: animal
What did the magician say when he made his rabbit disappear? Hare today, gone tomorrow.
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has 65.16 % from 22 votes. More jokes about: animal
If you make a cow angry, how will she get even? She'll cream you.
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has 65.16 % from 22 votes. More jokes about: animal
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