There is a lady laying in bed. At about midnight her husband comes walking in with a sheep under his arm and says ”That’s the fat pig I’ve been sleeping with when I’m not sleeping with you.” His wife gets a confused look on her face and states ”but honey that’s not a pig its a sheep.” Her husband says ”Shut up pig I’m talking to the sheep!”
An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and relieves himself on the woman's head. "Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper." "What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."
More than anything, Bob wanted to be a cowpoke. Taking pity on him, a rancher decided to hire the lad and give him a chance. "This," he said, showing him a rope, "is a lariat. We use it to catch cows." "I see," said Bob, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the lariat. "And what do you use for bait?"
What did Mariah Carey really wanted to sing: "All I want for Christmas is you... to get hit by a reindeer."
Chuck Norris and Jean-Claude Van Damme play tug a war with live annacondas.
Q: What is worst than raining black cats and bloodhounds? A: Hailing taxi cabs!
When Chuck Norris walks into a room, the mice jump on chairs.
What does an octopus wear on a cold day? A coat of arms.
Did you hear about the aristocratic horse? He was the last of his race!
Why was the cannibal looking peeky? Because he had just eaten a Chinese dog!