The best animal jokes

I was walking home last night when I noticed an old drunk staggering along the road. He passed a woman who was walking a young child. "Lady", said the drunk, "that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. Damn, that is one ugly child!." As the drunk wandered off, the lady burst into tears. Just then, a mailman came to her rescue. "What's the matter, madam?" he asked. "I've just been horribly insulted" she sobbed. "There there," said the mailman, reaching into his pocket. "Dry your eyes with this tissue, and here's a banana for the chimp"
Vote:
has 64.09 % from 52 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, animal, food, kids, ugly
A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?" She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with Betty Sue written on it." He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? Betty Sue was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he is reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?" She answers, "Your horse called."
Vote:
has 63.86 % from 610 votes. More jokes about: animal, marriage, wife
Customer: "Waiter, there’s a dead beetle in my soup." Waiter: "Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers."
Vote:
has 63.82 % from 35 votes. More jokes about: animal, death, food
Q: Why is a sheep better than a woman? A: A sheep doesn't care if you fuck her sister.
Vote:
has 63.81 % from 74 votes. More jokes about: animal, dirty, family, sex, women
Two elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says to the other: "I really don't get how he can feed himself with that thing!"
Vote:
has 63.81 % from 45 votes. More jokes about: animal, elephant, men
A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion! Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?" The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!" On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away. The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant - "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"
Vote:
has 63.81 % from 45 votes. More jokes about: animal
What happened to the man who tried to cross a lioin with a goat? He had to get a new goat.
Vote:
has 63.75 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: animal
Two deer hunters were not having any luck so they asked for advice from an old-timer. "You can just about guarantee a deer if you learn to hunt with dogs," he said. The two hunters got a trained deer dog and hit the woods. At the end of the day and still empty-handed, one hunter said to the other, "Maybe tomorrow we'll get one if we throw the dog out of a higher treestand."
Vote:
has 63.75 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: animal, dog, hunting, time
If you make a cow angry, how will she get even? She'll cream you.
Vote:
has 63.75 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: animal
Rabbit: "Are you sure this bottle of special carrot juice will cure me?" Doctor: "Absolutely. No rabbit ever came back for another."
Vote:
has 63.66 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: animal, death, doctor, food
<<<38394041
More jokes →
Page 38 of 153.