A man walks into a bar one day and asks the bartender if he knows a man named Two Guns Gonzales.
The bartender says no but he tells him that the man in the back named No Guns knows him.
So the guy walks to the back of the bar and asks the man if he knows a guy named Two Guns Gonzales.
The man says, "Let me tell you a story...
One day about a week ago, I was riding into town on my horse and this large man with two guns comes riding up to me and says, "Get off your horse."
Well, Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do? I get off my horse.
Then he says, "Now drop your pants."
Well, Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do?
I take off my pants.
Then he says, "Now s**t."
Well Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do?
I s**t.
Then he says, "Now eat it."
Well Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do? I eat it.
Now, Two Guns is laughing so hard, he drops his guns!
I grab them!
Now I say, "Drop your pants."
Well Two Guns has no guns and No Guns has two guns, what could he do?
He drops his pants.
Then I say, "Now s**t."
Well Two Guns has no guns and No Guns has two guns, what could he do?
He s**ts.
Then I say, "Now eat it."
Well Two Guns has no guns and No Guns has two guns, what could he do?
He eats it.
So when you ask me if I know a man named Two Guns Gonzales, the answer is yes: I had lunch with him last week."
Vote:
Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: Doesn't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.
Why did President Clinton name his dog Buddy instead of Spot?
Because he didn't want people running around the White House saying, "come Spot, come Spot!"
Vote:
Q: What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat?
A: ‘Here Kitty, kitty, kitty’!
Why was the horseman fired from his job of saddle testing?
He was always standing up on the job!
What animal do you look like when you get into the bath?
A little bear.
Why did the rabbit have trouble hopping?
Because he always kept one foot in his pocket for good luck.
Which rabbit was in Western movies?
Hopalong Cassidy.
What goes black white black white...?
A penguin rolling down a hill!
What's black and white and laughing?
The penguin who pushed him!
A guy rings his boss and says "I can't come to work today"
The boss asks why and the guy says "it's my eyes."
"What's wrong with your eyes?" asks the boss.
"I just can't see myself coming to work, so I'm going fishing instead..."