A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm.
He walks up to his wife with it and says, "This is the pig I've been f*cking'."
His wife says, "That's a duck."
He quickly replies, "I wasn't talking to you."
A man enters a little country store and sees a sign reading, ‘Danger!
Beware of Dog’.
He then sees an old hound dog lying asleep on the floor.
‘Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?’ says the man to the shopkeeper.
‘Yep,’ replies the shopkeeper.
‘Before I posted that sign, everyone kept tripping over him.’
Q: Why do pandas like old movies?
A: Because they are black and white.
Q: What do you call a horse that plays the violin in a musical?
A: Fiddler on the hoof.
A mean horseman went into a saddler's shop and asked for one spur.
"One spur?" asked the saddler.
"Surely you mean a pair of spurs, sir?"
"No, just one," replied the horseman.
"If I can get one side of the horse to go, the other side is bound to come with it!"
What kind of sharks make good carpenters?
Hammerheads.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with strawberry soda?
A berry bubbly bunny.
Psychiatrist: "What’s your problem?"
Patient: "I think I’m a chicken."
Psychiatrist: "How long has this been going on?"
Patient: "Ever since I was an egg!"
How do you tell if a black girls pregnant?
Shove a banana up her vagina and if you pull it out half eaten then you got a monkey on the way.
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Chuck Norris looked Medusa straight in the eyes, and laughed.
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