The best birthday jokes

A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, "I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday." Well, you can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything. She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?" He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"
Vote:
has 75.95 % from 60 votes. More jokes about: birthday, black humor, relationship, time
A kid asks his mom "why his sisters' middle name is Paris?" "Because that's where we conceived her." "Next, I was going to ask why my middle name is Chevy but now I know why."
Vote:
has 74.83 % from 62 votes. More jokes about: baby, birthday, family, geography, sex
Little Johnny once bought his Granny a very fine toilet brush for her birthday. But when he went to visit her a few weeks later, there wasn't a sign of it in the bathroom. Little Johnny asked his Grandma, "Granny, what happened to the loo brush I gave you?" "Darling, I really didn't like it. After all those years, I've gotten used to the toilet paper, and this new thing was just far to scratchy."
Vote:
has 74.80 % from 95 votes. More jokes about: birthday, family, little Johnny
David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren’t expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments. He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’ll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.” David was astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, “May I ask what did the chicken do?”
Vote:
has 74.63 % from 71 votes. More jokes about: animal, bird, birthday, parrot
A younboy gave his mum a big wrapped up birthday present on a Saturday. She opened it up and it was a tea pot. She said "What a wonderful tea port darling - thank you." The boy said "That's good." Mum said "However I already have a tea pot." The boy replied "No you haven't - I broke it."
Vote:
has 74.54 % from 66 votes. More jokes about: birthday, kids
Chuck Norris was born feet first. It was the only time a doctor died during childbirth.
Vote:
has 74.27 % from 142 votes. More jokes about: birthday, Chuck Norris, death, doctor
It was the kindergarten teachers birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift. The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said "I guess that it is flowers". "How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him. The second student, whose parents own a candy store, gave her a present. She held it and said, "I guess that is some candy." "How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She again laughed and thanked him also. The third student, whose parents own a bottle shop, gave her a box which was leaking. The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Mmmmm is it wine?" she asked. "No," said the little girl. So she tasted it again. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "Noooo," replied the little girl, "It's a puppy."
Vote:
has 72.48 % from 78 votes. More jokes about: birthday, disgusting, student, teacher, wine
The lesbians next door bought me a Rolex for my birthday. I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch...
Vote:
has 72.00 % from 1135 votes. More jokes about: birthday, communication, dirty, lesbian, sex
Q: What does it mean if you were born in September? A: That your parents started the new year with a bang!
Vote:
has 71.59 % from 108 votes. More jokes about: birthday, dirty, new year, sex, time
I went to an ISIS birthday party once. The musical chairs were a bit slow but fuck me the pass the parcel was quick.
Vote:
has 71.51 % from 198 votes. More jokes about: birthday, music, party, terrorist