I threw a ball for my dog...
It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket.
Two friends who had not seen each other for awhile met at a bar.
"Hey, your wife just had a birthday recently, didn't she? Did you get her anything special?"
"Yeah, I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo."
"A pair of slippers and a dildo?"
"Yeah, I said 'If you don't like the slippers, you can go fuck yourself.' "
Yo momma’s so ugly, the Government moved Halloween to her birthday.
For his surprise 50th birthday party, Chuck Norris turned up early.
No one surprises Chuck Norris.
Vote:
Good news, I've been given a goldfish for my birthday...
The bad news is that I don't get the bowl until my next birthday!
After Chuck Norris was born, he drove himself back home.
Vote:
Q: When will scientists cure the common cold?
A: Actually, they already did but Republican pharmacists won't dispense it because they mistook it for birth control.
Vote:
July 4th is Independence day.
And the day Chuck Norris was born.
Coincidence? I think not.
Vote:
Chuck Norris gave birth to himself because nobody else is capable (or could even live) to give birth to Chuck Norris.
Vote:
The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep.
"Excuse me for disturbing you, ma'am," he said politely, "but I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and I've noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread."
"That's right."
"Every day you hit him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were beating him with a chocolate cake."
"Well, today is his birthday."